And Yet...

What are the “should,” “supposed to,” “expectations,” “ideals” that you have as far as being a mother?

For me my beliefs were that “Good Mothers”:

• Control their children

• Have compliant children

• Compliant children = respectful children

• Respectful children = a good parent

AND YET… to get children to be compliant means to assert physical and/or emotional control, manipulation and coercion over them. ALL which leave us feeling emotionally depleted, exhausted and are the very behaviors (or some form of them) that we said we were never going to do when we had kids.

 AND YET… they are the only tools we have, to be “good” mothers.

The message, for me,  to be a “good” mother was to do whatever it took to “get” my children to behave the way society says they “should’ but also to act as if it were easy and your child just naturally listens because I’m a “good” Mother. We must look like we have it all together.

So, we hide what we are doing and put on a happy face. Essentially, we live a lie and what gets built inside of us is shame. Shame grows with silence and it is a killer.  A killer of:

Authenticity

Instead we put on a performance.  We become perfectionists.  We perfect our performance and show off what a wonderful life we have.  ALL IS GREAT.  All of this while we are dying inside.  We do not even know who we are anymore. We have become who society said we should be.

• Belonging

  According to, Brene’ Brown, this is our innate desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. It’s our desire to connect with other beings.  It is hard wired into us. It is IN us. Instead we conform and put on our social masks to fit in.

AND YET… to have true belonging we must show up as our authentic self and be accepted for WHO we are. We have this longing inside even though we don’t really know what it is, but we keep searching for it. We believe that external things will bring us contentment, so we keep searching externally to feed that yearning within us. Then when we get to a certain point in our lives (often around middle age) we say to ourselves, Wait, I’ve done all the “things,” the “should have’s,” the “supposed to,” the “ideals” and the “expectations” that society said to do…

AND YET… I feel unfulfilled.  We yearn for belonging in a world where everyone is competing to be the “few” who succeed at all the “goodness” society said to be. Shame grows exponentially with comparison and judgement.

WE CAN CHANGE ALL THIS.  How?  By creating authentic relationships. Authentic relationships require a level of transparency and engagement. It requires trust and honesty. It requires us to speak our truth. It requires us to get back to our self, our true self.  Not who others say we should be but who we are. 

AND YET… most of us don’t even know who that is.

Becoming our authentic self requires a willingness to embark on a journey.  A journey of honoring ourselves, valuing ourselves and trusting ourselves. This leads to honoring, valuing and trusting our children as well as others.  When we are authentic, we embark in authentic relationships which cultivate willingness and cooperation among the people. We understand that power comes from within. Power is shared, not taken away from others or given to others.  Our children and loved ones do not want our power they want and deserve their own power.  Being authentic and honoring our children’s authenticity is the path to healthy relationships.  Healthy relationships = respect. Being in a healthy relationship with children = self-disciplined children who have respect for themselves and others.

AND YET… we learn through societal messaging to do the opposite. Rather than BE who we innately are, we become a false self to “fit in.”  According to Brene’ Brown, “fitting in” is a barrier to belonging.

I no longer want to be a “GOOD” mother who raises compliant children. 

I now strive to be an AUTHENTIC mother who raises authentic children.

 What are your “AND YET” messages?