Transforming Power Struggles into Healthy Boundaries

Do you struggle getting your child to go to bed? Are they resistant or over sensitive to direction? Do you notice your child becoming sneaky or just downright lying? Do you wonder if the meltdowns will ever stop? Are you embarrassed to take your child out in public due to their behavior?

If you answered yes to any of the above it may be due to a lack of boundaries. Most of us have some difficulty setting and holding clear, consistent boundaries. We often don’t realize boundaries is the issue. We usually think the issue is with the child. This is largely due to our traditional social conditioning and our own experiences with boundaries. 

Here’s another secret you may not know.  Boundaries are an act of self-love. Boundaries are something we set FOR ourselves not something we do to someone else. Boundaries teach others how we want to be treated.  

Can you relate to any of the following? Do you:

➞ Worry about what other people are going to think
➞ Worry about how someone might react to you if you state your opinion or actually say what you want
➞ Have difficulty making decisions
➞ People pleaser
➞ Perfectionist
➞ Blame others for how they made you feel

These are some of the things that get in the way of our ability to set and hold healthy boundaries. I was all of the above. I struggled to set and hold boundaries with my children, myself and in general. I wasn’t conscious of this when it was happening. When I started to implement relationship-based practices into my life I realized I was not clear or consistent with setting boundaries. I also realized I tried to get my needs met either through people pleasing or by control. People pleasing says, “I don’t matter. I will do what you want as long as you don’t get upset.” Control says, “You don’t matter. You WILL do it my way or else.” Neither are helpful in setting healthy boundaries.

To set and hold healthy boundaries practice:

1. Know what you want and that you have the right to it. Due to our traditional social conditioning we received subtle messages throughout our life that wanting things is selfish.  We basically learned that we “shouldn’t” want things for ourselves. We learned to either people please or control over others to get our needs met. 

2. Assertive communication. This is often misunderstood as rude or controlling. It is actually the opposite. Assertiveness respectfully communicates what it is you want. Again, due to social conditioning we (especially women) got subtle messages that programmed us to be “nice” and respect authority. Which really meant not to have an opinion. This was seen as “talking back” or being argumentative. The goal of assertiveness is clarity.  Children need clarity to know what to expect.  Passive communication (people pleasing) confuses children. A more aggressive stance (control over them) is threatening. Assertive communication says, “You matter and so do I.”

3. Deliver the boundary with clarity and confidence. 

4. Take 100% responsibility for how you choose to think, feel and act. When we believe others make us feel a certain way we are a victim to them. Also, allow your child to feel how they are feeling. We do not cause their feelings. Allowing children to FEEL their feelings rather than us FIXING them allows them to learn to manage their feelings. This is an important step in self-regulation skills which is a top predictor of life success. 

5. Allow for flexibility within the boundary. The boundary is non-negotiable. Allowing choice within the boundary allows children a sense of flexibility and autonomy. For example: “It’s bedtime” is non-negotiable. Bedtime is the boundary. Giving a choice to brush teeth first or get pajamas on first is being flexible within the boundary. 

6. Be consistent. Children thrive on consistency.  It feels safe. They can predict what will happen next. They will test the boundaries to see if they are predictable.  This is their job. If they can predict you will adjust your boundary when they protest this is the pattern they pick up. If you stand firm in their resistance they will also pick up that pattern and know the boundary stands firm. Testing is their way of asking, can I trust this. Can I trust your word? 
   
   Now you are ready to practice setting boundaries without all the guilt and drama.

Want to know how I support parents with their child’s unique needs? Learn more about my one-on-one coaching on my website.